Baby!~!~

More baby!~! It's the season for baby... Let's welcome my ex colleague baby Iona!~!~

Responsibility

Recently, I recieved a message from one of my best friend that she is PREGNANT!!! The news came as a shock rather than joy because she just got married suddenly and now she is pregnant and going to be due this september... I could not believe my eyes when I saw those words on my msn... in fact this piece of news tormanted me throughout the night that I hardly can sleep. Why I had such a reaction is that... she is someone which we grew up together since Secondary school and based on her character I simply cannot believe that she can stupidly make such MISTAKE! Pardon me, I did not meant that literally but what kept ringing at back of my mind is in what mind state she was in when such things happened- she's drunk?;her bio clock ticking?;she is disperate to get married after failed twice to settle down?they forget that there is such things as condom???? why why why?? For me, I felt that when marriage was decided based on such rush condition usually is rocky and shaky. As you are so confuse about your pregnancy and now comes the question of marriage... to find the one RESPONSIBLE for his ACTION! And usually is because you have to be responsible for what you had done and therefore you have to be responsible now to get married to take care of this responsibility. I have seen many cases of such and many of them end up getting divorce. I'm not cursing or sort, of course I want her to be happily married till end of time. Is just that people simply do not know that having a child is not just responsiblity but a long time commitment to love the child unconditionally till end of time in regardless of what happened to you.
Some parents nowsaday is so individualistic.. all they care is about themselves... hardly cares about their children. Notice I uses "some parents" because there are some parents that suffer silently for the sake of their children. Children of those individualistic parents are just like a doll to them that can be easily discarded away. I remember once the parents of one of the kid in my drama series. They are undergo seperation/divorce and the poor child of 8 years old was often left in the set. They even suggest to let the kid stay in the film set so that they don't have to be so troublesome to bring him there everytime. During our wrap party, the father actually suppose to bring the child back and at the end of the party the father just called and say he is busy, cannot come and fetch the kid back. He ask him to take a bus home. An 8-years old kid and you ask him to take a bus back by himself?? You crazy or what?? And, when we ask the kid to call again, the father did not pick up the phone any more... when ask about how about his mother... he told us that the father ask him not to disturb her... so what you expect the kid to do?? I simply cannot understand them at all... why bother to give birth and yet do not have the least responsibility to take care of the child? What happen to RESPONSIBILITY assumption to the kid when both couple relationship turns sour??
The moral responsibility of the society is also a growing concern for my friend, qi who works in the health promotion board for AIDS awardness. I just attended one of her focus group discussion about STDs and AIDS awardness. Seriously, I felt that is not that the society are not aware about such infectious disease, is that people are just not morally responsibile for themselves. I'm sure with our high education population, by now people sure heard of what's STDs or AIDs at some point of our life. I guess it all goes down to morally and socially responsible for one personal act. If the person is not responsible, even if you put a condom right infront of him/her, they just won't protect themselves. Likewise those campaign posters that pasted all over the island. Human being just sometime too ignorant even to themselves. If you are not sick, you just won't go to the doctor but unlike AIDs once you get it there is no cure (turning back the clock).
Okay enough blattering of responsiblity. I'm happy for my friend even though I'm shock of her action. I too want her to have a cute and bubbling girl. Finally, after all these years she has grown up!!! She's going to be a mother. No longer, the girl that always wants us to take care of her... I still remember the days in school when we have our Home economic classes. She is my partner and everytime I end up washing the dishes as she is allegic to soap. She hardly know how to cook - she throw her food into the hot oil and end up the oil splashing out of the hot wok! I remember her break off with her 1st boyfriend, DD and how she struggle to keep dd away from those bad company. She once threaten him with a knife and end up a scar on her hand when both of them wrestle the knife. And in return, when both of them broke off, DD cut himself (almost kill himself, lucky the cut miss by a millimeter). There are many memories they both of us shared. I happy for her and wish her all the best to her motherhood and a happy marriage life ahead.
Marriage is a gamble and you won't know you have won the game till the minute you are on your dying bed. That's what I feel. As each of us grow individualistic in this ever changing society... it has become harder to find someone that will cherish you till end of time. Temptation is lurking in every corner, and how to stay faithful to the one you are married to when one cannot even stay faithful to their partner when they are dating. Such thought has said to become a fairytale in this modern society. There will be always someone better than the one who is beside you. No one person possesses all the characteristic of your "idealistic"girl/guy so when is the time to say that she/he is the one of my life time? It's a question that kept me thinking...

Back to full time...

Yesterday end the last day of a freelancer... I'm going to work as a full time senior event executive for an entertainment company.... no more lazing around... fooling around (my mum so called claim that I have been fooling around for the past 3yrs. I have been working damn hard leh!!) ... no more worry whether there is another next project or not... I will miss them... I will miss the fun I had every time during my shoot... I miss everyone, every thing!~!~ I'm a person who hate to move to new environment but at the same time I can easily settle down in it if the environment is suitable. I guess I will, as I pretty like the boss there... we seems to click very well during the interview... hope the colleagues are friendly too. I hate politic environment, people trying to back stab each other... I considered these as hostile environment and usually I die there faster because I'm a straightforward person I tend to speak out my mind. If I don't like someone, my face can easily tell. eeeeeee I drag those high-heel shoes, business wear... bohohoho.... no more comfy jeans, t-shirt....
Yesterday, we happen to drop by SJ's feng shui master's shop to have a brief fortune told. What he said was soooooo hit right at the spot. He said that I best work for the government due to my heavy metal element and beside me I have fire that gives me a high authority of power. I'm very stubborn and stingy of my money. If I'm to get married best will be at the age of 33 (chinese birth yr) and even so my marriage has a crack but I can be easily resolve because I'm a very vocal person so will speak up if there is any problem. What surprises me was he ask me did I lost every thing in the year 2005. I was shocked!!! Because in 2005 something did happened, which I broke off with T and I felt that's the end of the world.. felt that I don't have anything left... I felt I have lost everything... its a gamble that I took in regard of everyone disagreement and I lost the game... and because of that I'm still full of resentments and frustration (which is indirectly true). I'm one who don't like kid... but he told me I should have and will have no problem having as I have alot can have 3 kids - first a boy, girl and than a boy. He told me I should have kids cause its good for me... as they sort of release off my frustration and resentment. My career will be okay and in the age of 37 I will be going smooth till age of 57. My husband will be very career minded and will seldom care for me, I should just concentrate on building my career instead as it's nothing to do with womanizing. Even if I'm married, I still attract suiters as my character is what a guy is looking for. *grin grin*. He even calculated that I had injured/problem with my right shoulder leh! so scary!~!~ Last year has been a good year for me cause I have some sort of promotion which is true I have promoted to a Assistant director and my boss gave me a pay increment. He say soon I will face some problem (forget which yr) in my career as I will face competition by people who curry favour, etc and I will feel frustrated by it. I even have competition to compete for my husband to be leh!!! If we manage to pass through everything will smooth sailing for us. Wah so many thing predicted is so close sia... I think I want to go for a through reading for my new career. I'm also thinking to bring qi to go for a reading also, hope to give her some lovers!~! more lovers!~!~ ke ke.
I'm all set to embark this new journey... everything is back to zero.. I knew nothing about what is ahead of me.. but I think I will be able to survive just like I had so far... hope its a career path that will last long... entertainment industry is very bitchy.. behind the glamorous are faces of the evil. Lord, I pray for your guidance, strength and wisdom in this journey I'm about to take.

Practical V.S Romantic

You can say I'm living in a fairytale world remove from reality... because there is no such creature as a romantic man. When man been romantic because they are just been practical! Thanks to my bf who totally destroy a romantic notion of a wedding proposal... men just do not get it that such topic even it's been practical - its time to settle down with the woman of my choice, I'm capable of taking care of my woman, etc ; I know you can, that's what every woman expect their man to be able to do so, even thought now women are equally educated and have the equal ability to support themselves financially, even so you cannot simply tell a woman that I will be romantic when I propose to you because I know by doing that you will say Yes! Just like you don't kiss and tell your friend, you don't say such things to a women! Destroy, totally destroy... and I'm put off by such topic from now onwards. Anything about getting married, setting up a home, etc all sound like a call of duty to me now. No more of the fairytale world, girl meet a boy that she loves and both live happily ever after. It's all back to been practical that he is the man that fits my ideal partner, someone that I believe that can take care the rest of my life, someone who I can depend on as he is financially stable, independent, etc that is the reason why I chose him and which all this is at the back of mind. So much of wanting to make it sound more romantic that we both click very well together, we enjoy doing activities together - going to museum, etc, he is a caring person (in his own way), etc and we decided to move on to the next stage of life.
For what I believe, women no matter how practical they are, by the end of the day they are just women. Women are just emotional creature and we are make in such a way by God or you can say that we are socially constructed to be that way. But I do not rule out that there are women who are emotionally self sufficient and they don't need any one to feed their demand for such feelings. For me, although I'm considered by most guys that I'm very independent, but inside I'm very emotionally demanding. And, to be frank a lot of time I'm simply trying to please everyone around me - my friends, my bf, my family. I divide my time among them so that everyone of them can get a piece of me every week. My mum told me, "You seems like not attached to me. Like every time I hardly sees your boyfriend around or be with you. Unlike, your brother girlfriend, she always hangs around in the house. Go out with us to eat, shopping, etc." The reason I don't bring my bf out when I go shopping with my mum or have dinner is that I don't want her to feel left out. She will feel lonely if I bring my bf along, unless uncle is coming than I know someone can chat with her, etc. There was once I decided that I wanted something of my own, despite all the disagreement. I wanted to be with one my ex bf, despite my mother, my family member dislike him. I believe that love is everything and I don't need to please anyone any more. I let go a stale relationship to be with him. I'm trying to be practical. My then current bf won't be moving upward to where I wanted to. He is just been too romantic and impractical most of the time. Reminded me so much of my late father, of trying to dig empty the money just to satisfy a need that is impractical. I thought he was romantic and practical, a balance of it. That's when I realize that I'm all wrong. He is not romantic, not practical, he is just individualistic. He left without a trace, leaving me dying at the bottom of the pit.
Been too practical simply destroy everything that has a meaning to it. Treating your mother to a mother's day lunch during mother's day can be say a practical thing. You can treat your mother any other day but why succumb to the propaganda of mother's day, likewise Christmas, Valentine day birthday, anniversary, etc. Because it's meaningful and such meanings had long been socially connoted as Romantic. You can say that you don't need to buy a present during valentine day as it's all propaganda but when one receive it finds that you are romantic and sweet and that feeling become amplify as you been loving. In our current society, everyone is simply busy making money, every minute, every second of their life. And, it's because of this propaganda of valentine day, mother's day started to put a temporary stop sign to our life and tell us that today we should spend some time with our family, friends and love ones and we are obligated to spend that day with them. I use the word obligated because to many they don't sees it's a need, they felt that the person is obligated to be there always. But, you also simply don't just treat your mother to a lunch treat because it's a practical thing to do and then during the whole course of meal you just read your newspaper. Do you know how I feel when I see my bf's parents during the mother's day treat? I feel sad. Well, his parent is happy that they got a treat from their son but throughout the course of meal he simply there reading newspaper and I'm the only one chatting with them. He says that he don't like celebration, he cannot eat his food without his newspaper. But do you know that they wanted a piece of your time for them to chat and talk about how's your work life, your life, etc. Even if you are sick or not feeling not too well in your stomach, you don't throw a fuss and make it felt that you are been drag to come and eat some organic food that you drag about without trying it. And, at the other end you wanted teppanyaki which is 100 times more greasy and oily and makes your already uncomfortable stomach worst. Just order something light. It's not about the food, it's the company they want. And , when I say company is not your physical self there but you interacting with them. To be frank, I was very uncomfortable. He makes it feel like his been drag there to have lunch with them.
It's not that I don't know how to be practical but practicality simply dehumanize somethings that has meaning to it even it is suppose to be practical but by adding in the romantic element make it more meaningful, means that you are still been loved. I remember a few years ago, I did not brought a cake for my mother's birthday and she was angry and upset for that one whole year till her next birthday and till now she still will bring it up. You will say what's so great about a birthday cake? You treated her a birthday dinner and celebrate with her that should be enough, cakes is for children. But that cake carries a meaning, a meaning that she is still been loved by us and we appreciate her. You can say that's not practical, you can get her a Gucci bag as a present, etc that's more practical. That's where the meaning is been dehumanize. It's not how much or how expensive the gift is, is the thought that counts.
I always complain to my bf that he hardly gives me any gift. He always response to me that is not that I don't give I want to buy for you and ask you to go into that shop and choose what you want but is you who don't want it. He is been practical because he don't want to end up buying something that in the end I don't like and I get upset about it. But by doing that the meaning of giving gift is lost. Perhaps thats what all his practical ex gfs did, you don't get me that latest Gucci bag don't come and see me. That's been practical isn't it? What you want, just demand/says what you want and walk into that store give me your credit card and purchase it now. Case closed! Why has to go through those romantic ridicule things such as finding out what she wants, buying it down secretly, wrap it up and surprise her, its really a waste of energy you know? And, isn't it the same? Buying it now and surprise her latter is also giving gift? That's where everything is wrong to me. That's when you never see and feel the happiness of a person who received the gift. Well, you can say both are the same but that kind of happiness is just in between the grey line that is hard to write it down in words. Take for example when Qi receive her present, its a portable speaker docker for her mp3 player. It's a statement she simply just says out and she is intending to get it but can do without it also, just browsing only during one of our shopping trip. This then became our gift idea and when she received she was thrill and she was surprise that we take notice of her wants. That is so simpler but the meaning to the gift is so much more to just a gift she receives. Its a reflection of friendship and understanding, been loved by friends and that's how a gift can do.
The meaning of romantic is very simpler and it can never define nor explain. It's the small things that's matter and counted as romantic but those small things cannot be define also. What connoted as romantic to me, may not be to others. It varies from one person to another and with it comes with the experience that one expose to. However, they are also practical. Practical in the senses that it's needed to satisfy one's need for emotion, spiritual, physical and intellectual needs. My bf wanted that needs when he feel sick. He wanted me to be able to take care of him and pat him when he is sick. I don't know he knew that its a romantic gesture in his so called practical world of his. He never realize that he is the one who never let go of the past which he so called claimed he did. If he had, why he fail to see that he is using a formula from his past relationship as a limiter and apply on ours. Because he was too romantic till disgust by one of his ex that he wants to be more practical. Because he finds that there is no point loving some one so much and at the end of the day they just left you with nothing, so now I wanted to love myself more. Well, there is nothing with that. How we have evolved as who we are today is from the experience we had. But he left me with nothing to choose from him. So must I thank all his exs that who is he now, should be the correct lover make up of the best selection - one who is a practical person, hardly a romantic one (coz romantic man exist in fairytale world), one who grantee to provides for the family but that's about all, one who grantee loves you but that's what he will do and what you want he will give. One who is so in control of his emotion and that make you felt that he thinks and cares about himself all the time. Sometime his behavior is really a pain in the ass like a spoilt kid that refuse to listen to your advise esp when he is sick. Sometime he is just lovely dove to you but always at the wrong moment and when you want to be lovely dove to him he just not responding to what you want. He like peace and tranquility but he moving like a space bullet every time. Even if you say you need to move fast to be able to enjoy the peace and tranquility but its peace and tranquility how peaceful can one enjoy it when you are moving so fast pace? You don't even have time to breath in enough peaceful air to begin with to be enjoying it. There is time to be fast pace but there is time to just pause in slow motion. Take time to appreciate the peace and tranquility that you have created from your fast pace life. You simply cannot rush in peace and tranquility thats what it is called or else it will be fast peace and fast tranquility. And, to me he is simply impatient to everything , so how can peace and tranquility exist? All he wanted is rush to that peace and move on to another. He loves me but he is putting so much limiter to it!!! Can you imagine, you are so happy to share something happy, joyous occasion, and his tone of interest can just destroy everything! He says he is listening but he is just not interested. This you are not interested, that you are not interested then there is nothing I can chat with you or share. I'm not talking about chatting about intellectual topics like the born of christ, the end of the world, I'm talking about my every day life minus the number of time I farted, I dig my nose, etc. Perhaps he never notice why... all these is pulling us apart... he started as a gentleman to me, he listen and chat attentively about anything to you... now he simply called me every night, whin at time, and good night. Hello, I waited for the whole day for this phone call to express my concern for your whole day and wanted to share my day to you. If you are tired and had chat the whole day, you don't feel like talking, its fine with me, you don't have to call. Its fine with me that you don't have to send me home, only to be rushing my feet because you are tired and hot. It's not me been sensitive and I know its his way of caring and romantic but by doing it, it all back fired everything. Then I will get things like "I wish you will love who I am just like I love you who you are"; "If there is so much unhappy things about me, I think we should seriously think about our relationship"; "I have become someone who can let go of a relationship in regards of how much I love that person". He has no idea that last sentence makes my heart freeze up... like I'm sitting on a time bomb.... I'm very sensitive to such words... it's like cutting open a past wound that healed... I guess I have alot of things that I wanted to talk to him about... but I guess I felt that he cannot give me the attention that I'm looking for... he claim he is... I start to question... what needs he can fill me up? If I can't share my emotion to him.... and such motion tends to surf up when I'm having my PMS.... how.........

Bee Bee's wedding. 30th April 2008!